Fullmetal Fairytales
by AnimeAmy26c
Summary: Roy decides that Ed and Al need some cheering up with some fairytales, but with an FMA twist. Featuring CinderEDla, Snow Ed & The Seven Sins and GoldiED & The Three Military Hayate Dogs. So Roy, in his own style, redecorates some fairytales.
1. Fullmetal Fairytales Prologue

"Gather round for some tale that's tall, but true as they can be," Roy sang.

"Brother, why is he quoting _The Legend Of Middle Tennessee_?" Al asked Ed curiously.

"I dunno. He may be drunk," Ed answered, watching Roy carefully.

"I'm not drunk. I just think it's time you and Alphonse heard some stories to make you happier people instead of being all angst, all the time," Roy smiled.

"So why are we here, Boss?" Havoc asked, as he stood with the rest of Mustang's subordinates.

"Do you all have anything better to do?" Roy asked.

"No," they agreed unanimously.

"Then listen in," Roy told them, "I have many a tall tale that all have a happy ending, unlike this anime," Roy mumbled the last part.

"What was that, Colonel?" Ed asked him.

"Nothing," Roy smiled reassuringly, "So everyone gather and listen up for some magical and wonderful fairytales."

"I am outta here," Ed headed for the door.

"But Ed you can't leave," Roy smiled then his smile became an evil smirk, "After all, you will be the princesses."

* * *

Hi everyone.

Just so you know this has no plot and makes no sense.

Just a warning there. Also it could possibly contain spoilers for the first anime series.

So please enjoy the Fullmetal Fairytales starring the FMA cast.

Also could have yaoi implied (especially since Ed will play the parts of most princesses or damsels and stuff). Just another warning.

So anyway prologue over.

Please enjoy!

Bye~!

Amy.

P.S. Any suggestions for fairytales are welcomed, just leave review.


	2. Snow Ed & The Seven Sins

"So our first story is Snow Ed and The Seven Sins," Roy told them all with a smile.

"Aw, Hell no," Ed shouted, leaping to his feet.

"Too late," Roy grinned, "And for anyone else who just so happens to be listening in, this could be seen as yaoi, just a warning there and possible spoilers."

"What're you talking about?" Havoc asked.

"Who cares?" Ed sniped.

"And for that you're wearing a dress in this one, Ed," Roy smirked, "Let us begin..."

**

* * *

**

**Starring:**

Ed as Snow White

Envy, Lust, Wrath, Greed, Pride, Sloth & Gluttony as the Seven Dwarves/Sins

Roy as Prince Mustang

Winry as the Evil Queen Winry

Al as Woodcutter Armour

And Havoc as the magic mirror

* * *

"Once upon a time in a magic kingdom far away…

"Mirror, mirror on the wall," Evil Queen Winry smiled at the mirror, "Who is the fairest of them all?"

"Well, that Ed Elric chick is pretty cute!" the Havoc mirror answered.

"What?!" she shrieked, "I'll teacher her a lesson!", she leaned out the window, "Random woodcutter guy! I need you to kill someone for me!" she shouted at someone outside the castle.

"What?" an armour woodcutter shouted back.

"I will reward you greatly if you kill the young beauty, Edward Elric!" she yelled.

"I'll do it for three kitties," Al shouted back.

"Two."

"Done. I'll go kill him, I mean, her now," he shouted, before skipping away singing "I'm gonna get some kitties!"

_____

"A beautiful young woman called Ed stood angrily tapping her foot. He was wearing a beautiful embroidered dress that hugged his lacking feminine figure and his long golden blonde hair hung loose. With a BIG bow on it," Roy emphasized.

"Shut up," Ed growled.

"No. Now back to the story."

_____

"Anyway, like I said, he stood doing quietly doing not much at all because he's a worthless pain-in-the-ass you causes nothing but trouble for his higher ups by using up all the budget on junk food, toys, comics… but I digress.

"Hey you," Al the woodcutting armour shouted at him.

"Yeah, what do you want?" the fair young Edward asked.

"I have to take you far into the woods, where no-one could hear you scream and kill you in cold-blood in the name of the Evil Queen," Al explained.

"But Al, why would you do that, I thought we were brothers, who cared about each other," Ed whimpered.

"Shut up, Brother. Don't break character. Anyway, let's walk really far that way," Al said pointing into the deep woods.

"Fair enough," Ed answered.

They walked into the woods for about 15 seconds.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you now," Al told him.

"Al, I mean Mister Woodcutter Armour Person, we're barely two metres into the forest. And there's some witnesses over there," Ed pointed at a group of peasants played by Riza, Falman, Fuery and Breda.

"I don't care," Al pulled out a big axe and proceeded to chop Ed to pieces…"

_____

"Mustang, you know that's not how the story goes," Ed interrupted.

"Fine," Roy grumbled, "So Al the Woodcutting Armour did not kill Ed."

_____

"The armour looked Ed in his deep golden eyes and cried, "Alas I cannot kill you, but you must run away and go love in the woods with seven people who will make you look tall."

"Really!" Ed shouted happily, "What way?!"

"I dunno. That way. I guess," Al pointed in a random direction.

"YAY!" Ed yelled and ran off squeeing wildly.

After running for a long time in no particular direction Ed arrived at a little cottage.

"This must be it!" Ed yelled ecstatically, "I've waited my whole life to meet seven people who are shorter than me!"

"Hello, Princess Shrimp," an androgynous voice from behind Ed came as he got patted on the head.

"Not you," Ed spun to see Envy standing grinning moronically.

"Yes, we are the Seven Sins," Envy announced dramatically introducing the others who were all standing behind him.

"Don't you mean dwarves?" Ed questioned.

"No, shut up," Envy answered.

Ed looked at them and noticed they were all holding shovels and pickaxes.

"Wow, were you digging up gold in the mines?" Ed asked.

"No, we go grave-robbing instead," Wrath smiled.

"Sssh!" Envy ordered then turned to Ed, "So, why are you here?"

"The Evil Queen wants me dead because I'm so beautiful."

With that all the homunculi burst out laughing because they thought he was ugly as f…"

_____

"Roy! Don't swear, there are children present!" Riza scolded.

"Sorray!" Roy replied, "Anyway let me continue, they all thought he was very ugly indeed. How's that Riza?"

"That's fine, Sir. But you've made Ed cry," she pointed to Ed who was curled up, Tamaki-style, in the corner sobbing.

"He'll get over it, now let's continue…"

_____

"Anyway, can I stay with you guys? I know there are a lot of hard feelings between us," Ed said.

"I'm gonna stab him in his sleep," someone mumbled.

"That was uncalled for," Ed said.

"Sure, why not? We can always pull pranks in him and make his life a misery," Envy said to the others.

"Ha. Lolz. That'll be fun," Greed laughed.

"Yeah, why not?" Lust winked at Ed, who recoiled in terror.

"Yay! I can try saw off his other arm and leg with my rusty grave-robbing saw!" Wrath yelled happily.

"I have no problem with that," Pride responded.

"Meh," Sloth shrugged.

"Can I eat him?" Gluttony asked.

"Give him a few days," Lust whispered to Gluttony, who then smiled hungrily at Ed.

"I'm gonna ignore those comments, but I want a room with a lock because you all freak me out and I fear that one of you may rape me," Ed said.

_____

"Roy! Please try and make this child friendly," Riza scolded again.

"Fine, I'll correct it," Roy said.

_____

""I'm gonna ignore those comments, but I want a room with a lock because you all freak me out and I fear that one of you may hug me," Ed said, "And I do not like hugs."

"Nice correction there narrator," Envy said, sarcastically.

"Anyway, let's get this story done quickly so let's get right to the point. Let's just pretend I've been here a week or something and that you're all so happy to have me here," Ed commanded.

"I dunno about that. You're actually really annoying, you do no work, eat all our food and steal our TV remote," Pride told him.

"Shut up. We're in fairytale land where TVs don't exist," Ed whispered furiously.

"Yeah well, whatever," Pride acted unbothered.

Meanwhile.

The Evil Queen Winry looked at her magical Havoc mirror.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?" she smiled cruelly.

"Still not you, you vain b****," the Havoc mirror told her."

_____

"Roy!" Riza shouted.

"Riza, they're teenagers they know more curse words than we do," Roy replied.

Sure enough Ed was in the corner muttering a colourful array of swear words.

_____

"Anyway…

"The fairest of them all is still the beautiful Edward," the Havoc mirror continued, after it was so cruelly interrupted.

"Then I'll have to kill her myself with my magicness," the Evil Quenn growled, "Actually I don't have magic, but I do have this old mouldy donut."

She started to laughed maniacally.

"You need to get a life," the mirror told her.

She smashed the mirror.

"Uncalled for!" a fragment of mirror shouted at her.

"Shut up," she grinned cruelly.

"Back at the cottage.

Ed was sitting at the cottage alone after they all ditched him to go grave robbing. He had already ate all the food and was beginning to feel hungry again.

Just at that moment the Evil Queen showed up conveniently disguised as a tree.

"Eat this!" the tree told him."Aren't you supposed to be disguised as an old woman?" Ed asked.

"Shut up and eat this," the tree told him holding out a mouldy donut, "It'll make you taller."

"I was gonna eat it anyway," Ed replied scoffing the donut into his mouth.

When the homunculi came home they found Ed unconscious on the ground.

"What should we do?" Sloth asked.

"I say we put his corpse outside and let the crows eat it," Envy said.

"Yeah, why not?" they all agreed.

So they put Ed's corpse outside on a big flat rock and left it there…"

_____

"But she didn't die, Colonel. She was just unconscious," Al said to Roy.

"Oh please," Roy sighed, "I know what I'm doing."

_____

"Anyway, so it turned out she wasn't dead, just not conscious.

And all that was needed to awaken her was the kiss of a handsome, strong, talented and, did I already say, handsome Prince Mustang. Also his hair is really wonderful and sexy."

_____

"Whoa!" Ed interrupted, "I see where this is going I refuse to let this become another RoyEd Fanfic where it ends with a kiss."

"Shut up, Ed!" Riza shouted, "They have to kiss at the end!"

"Lt. Hawkeye, I never had you down as a yaoi fangirl," Fuery said.

Hawkeye grinned evilly.

"I am severely creeped out now," Roy said, edging away from Hawkeye.

"Just finish the bleeping story! And have the bleeping kiss scene!" Riza shrieked, standing over Roy.

"Ok, please don't hurt me," Roy whimpered, cowering away from her.

_____

"So as events here grow more and more unrealistic so does the tale of _Snow Ed and The Seven Sins_.

So anyway the handsome Prince Mustang went out into the woods some day for no reason in particular at all.

"Hello, you freaks," the handsome Prince Mustang shouted to the homunculi when he arrived at the homunculi cottage, "May I ask why are you left that beautiful young maiden's corpse on that big rock ?"

"I dunno. You tell us," Envy laughed.

"Does she perhaps require the kiss of a handsome prince to awaken her from her otherwise ever-lasting slumber?" Prince Mustang said dramatically, did I mention how wonderful and sexy his hair is?

"Maybe," Greed said, then whispered to Lust, "Get the camera, we can sell the pictures to a yaoi fangirl and we could make a fortune… that I totally won't steal," his eyes darted shiftily.

So Prince Mustang the handsome, wonderful, talented, beautiful, awesome eyed, sexy haired, marvellous…

_____

"Colonel, you sound like _Twilight_," Ed sniped.

With that Roy hit Ed.

"Why'd you do that?!" Ed shouted.

"Don't ever. Ever. Compare me to that," Roy growled, then happily continued, "Like I was saying…"

_____

""Okay, then I shall awaken the beautiful young maiden," Prince Mustang leaned towards the unconscious Ed to kiss him.

She snapped awake just in time to roll off of the big rock thing and roll onto the ground.

"I am totally the winner of gay chicken!" Prince Mustang shouted happily.

"Damn, I was close to winning. I should held in there, you would never have kissed me," Ed laughed.

"Those are the risks of gay chicken, my friend, I was willing to do anything to win," Prince Mustang announced.

"That's great. What now?" Ed asked.

"Wanna go grab a beer?" Prince Mustang asked handsomely and heroically.

"Meh, why not?" Ed answered, "Bye guys," he shouted to the homunculi.

_____

"And that is the tale of Snow Ed and the Seven Sins," Roy finished it with a smile.

"What the bleep was that?" Ed scowled.

"Is she ok?" Havoc asked about Hawkeye, who was sitting twitching in fury.

"Roy, you may have just done the most deadly thing known to man. You have angered the yaoi fangirl," Ed said you him.

They all gulped in terror.

"RAAAAAAAAAARRRR!" Hawkeye shrieked, "CALL THAT A YAOI FANFIC!!?!"

"I never claimed it to be!" Roy shouted back.

"I'm gonna bleeping kill you all!" Riza shouted in a frenzied fury.

"Waaaah! RUN AWAY!" Roy yelled in horror.

Soon the sounds of crying, screaming and gunshots filled headquarters.

_____

So thanks for reading that. I'm sorry if any opinions I made or said offended anyone, but these are just my opinions, I'm sorry.

If anyone was looking for a yaoi fanfic I'm sorry to disappoint because I opted out for the Scrubs reference to Dr Cox's and his friend, Ben's, game Gay Chicken. I thought it was suitable.

I'm also sorry about all the swearing and stuff, but that is why it's rated T. Also just to say, this is based on the first anime series, just so you know, but you probably already realised.

Also I plan to write some more twisted Fullmetal Fairytales. So all ideas are welcome.

And so are all reviews, but if you have to criticize please make it **constructive**.

So, once again, thanks for reading, please review and I hope it made you laugh and that you enjoyed it.

Bye~!

Amy.


	3. GoldiEd & The Three Military Dogs

"I think we'd all like to put earlier's event behind us," Roy smiled, covered in bruises.

"Um, yes, we should," Riza replied, guility.

"I swear, I will sue," Ed growled, he had a massive black eye.

The other's all wimpered "yes".

"Anyway, let's have another story to settle our differences. Let's have one with no love stories or anything behind it, so we don't have a repeat of any said events," Roy said.

"Fair enough," Ed shrugged, "But if this story sucks, I'm gonna sue you for all I can for unnecessary brutality."

"So the story will be GoldiEd and the Three Military Dogs," Roy started.

"Oh, Hell no. I know where this is going and I am opting out. I refuse to star in the… Roy are you listening?" Ed growled.

"No, I've already started the story. So like I was saying…"

**

* * *

**

**Starring:**

Ed as Goldilocks

Roy as Papa Hayate

Riza as Mama Hayate

Fuery as Baby Hayate

* * *

"Mama Bear, this porridge is far too hot again," Papa Hayate sighed.

"What did you say?" she barked in response, producing a gun.

"Nothing, but let's all go for a walk for no reason in particular at all," Papa Hayate suggested.

"But it's scary in the woods," Baby Hayate whimpered, pushing his glasses up.

"Shut up, Baby Hayate," Papa Hayate said hitting the back of Baby Hayate's head.

"Well then, what're we waiting for? Let's all go for a random walk in the woods," Mama Hayate said.

With that the dogs left and didn't lock their cottage door, being dogs security is not a key concern.

They didn't notice, however, that a small blonde girl in a pink frilly checkered dress with her hair in two pleats with bows at the end..."

____

"We get it Colonel. You can stop describing GoldiEd now," Ed growled.

"I don't think I will," Roy grinned.

____

"So anyway GoldiEd was wearing her beautiful dress with matching heels and was eagerly watching the house.

"Ha, they're bound to have food," she said, waiting cunningly.

As soon as the hayate family were out of sight the young GoldiEd quickly ran in, she saw the three porridges on the table.

"Mmmm. Food!" she exclaimed, leaping at the table.

GoldiEd picked up the first one.

"It's a bit salty, but I'm not complaining," she said, happily scoffing down the first bowl.

"This one's a bit sweet, but I do have a sweet tooth!" GoldiEd exclaimed, wolfing down the second bowl of porridge.

"And this one is perfect, so I should eat it too," she ate the third bowl.

GoldiEd then decided she needed to sit down.

First she walked to the small chair which she found an insult to her height and proceeded to kick to pieces.

The next chair he saw was too big and she couldn't sit on it so she proceeded to smash it to tiny bits as well.

The last chair was just right, but she was in a destructive mood so destroyed it too…"

____

"Hang on, Colonel. Brother isn't _that_ destructive," Al pointed out, but upon turning to Ed he was forced to eat his words as Ed was currently tearing up some random paperwork because Ed thought he had had his height insulted.

Roy glared at Al.

"Carry on, Colonel," Al apologised.

____

"So like I was saying, having destroyed all the chairs then thought that she was very tired after eating all that food so went upstairs for a nap. He walked into the bedroom.

"It appears like there are three beds," GoldiEd said, being a Captain Obvious.

The first bed was far too big for GoldiEd so he set about destroying it.

The third bed was just the right size for GoldiEd, which meant it was absolutely tiny. GoldiEd also found this to be an insult so tore it to pieces and shredded the blanket with his teeth because he is a vicious son of a …"

_____

"Sir, I warned you last time," Riza scowled, "Make it child friendly."

"Colonel, I have something to say," Ed stood and stared him in the eyes, "You are a BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPity BLEEPing BLEEP BLEEP. You are about as nice as a BLEEP BLEEP BLEEPer BLEEPing BLEEP BLEEPity BLEEPed BLEEPer. So BLEEP you."

"Why thank you Ed, and for that you'll be the Princess in the next one too. And to think I was considering Havoc," Roy stated.

Havoc gave a vague look of shock and his cigarette nearly fell from his mouth.

"Anyway, let's continue…"

_____

"The only bed that remained standing was perfect, who cares that it was pink and girly, so he went and fell asleep on it because suddenly it was nightfall and the dogs had been out on their random little walk for almost twelve hours, they got distracted by a stick.

But when the Hayate family returned they found their food gone and that all their chairs were destroyed.

"That's it, I am gonna kill the little bleeper who did this," Mama Hayate growled, producing a gun again.

The dogs sneaked upstairs quietly and peeked into the.

"He.. I mean she destroyed my bed!" Papa Hayate whimpered.

"Mine too," Baby Hayate cried.

"Shut up," Papa Hayate scolded with a slap to the back off Baby Hayate's head.

With that GoldiEd woke up.

"Now I know it looks like I've destroyed all your stuff, but I can explain…" GoldiEd started.

But Mama Hayate pulled out her gun and shot her several times.

The End"

_____

"I'm pretty sure that that's not how that story goes, Chief," Havoc said.

"Know what Havoc. BLEEP you, Havoc. BLEEP you!" ROy stormed out.

"That was… interesting," Ed sighed, "Lt. Hawkeye, I just have one thing to say, I intend to sue. You'll be hearing from my lawyer."

Ed handed Hawkeye a card.

"Scar from Ishbal - Sexy Hobo & Discount Lawyer" it read.

Riza looked at the card disapprovingly, then looked at Ed.

"He's settled down. He went to law school," Ed said, "So we should wrap this up now."

"Yeah. Don't do drugs," Havoc stated.

"What?"

"I assumed there should be a moral to this story, so the moral of this story is 'Don't do drugs'," Havoc said.

"Oh, ok," Ed sighed, "What a load of BLEEP."

* * *

So this one is really random, but meh, what're you gonna do?

The next one should be CinderEdla, but anything can happen. I may end up completing Alphonse and The Bean Shrimp first.

Also I return to school tomorrow, so I can no longer stay up till the early hours to write fanfics, so sorry for anyone who has to wait on stories being completed etc.. Plus I kinda have two essays and a solo talk to write... And even if I were to stay up and write fanfics to the early hours it would certainly affect my classes (I struggle to stay awake in biology, maths and German anyway so that would only worsen things), but I will continue to use my Maths jotter to note down ideas in. But ssh! That doesn't leave this webpage as my maths teacher would be pissed if he found out. But I digress.

Also now I feel the need to write some actiony (that's not a word but I don't care) fanfics, possibly because I started to watch Kuroshitsuji (which is kick-ass) and possibly because I went and saw Sherlock Holmes at the cinema (also kick-ass), so expect some of that, Roy'll probably mess up a very peaceful fairytale with a dramatic fightscene featuring Ed in a dress. *fantasizes and drools* Sorry, I digress again.

Anyway, please review! All suggestions, constructive critisicism, etc is welcome!

Bye~!

Amy.


	4. CinderEdla

****

WARNING:

**Quite a lot of swearing and yaoi is frequently discussed and occassionally implied.**

We join the FMA cast mid-conversation between fairytales. Roy has returned, having stormed off over 'artistic differences' with Havoc. Ed has calmed down and says he will not sue. And Roy has covered Havoc's mouth (and a large section of his nostrils) with duct tape, to prevent him insulting the fairytales.

"Sir, what are you trying to say exactly?" Riza asked Roy, with a puzzled expression.

"I'm just saying that I believe there is a higher power at work," Roy answered.

"Like what?" Ed sniped.

"Like 'The Game'," Roy grinned cruelly.

The room filled with mumblings of "I lose" which was followed by Ed saying "You bastard" at Roy and Havoc mumbling something and then smacking his head against the wall.

"Anyway, now that's over. Who wants to hear another fairytale?" Roy asked.

"Not me, douchebag," Ed growled.

"Oh, Edward. You know you love being the princess," he grinned.

"You jackass," Ed grumbled.

"You didn't deny it!" Roy laughed.

Havoc appeared to try and laugh, but instead sort of made a wheezing noise then fell over.

"Sir, maybe you should remove that duct tape," Riza said, watching Havoc concernedly.

"Maybe you're right, the duct tape does seem to cover his nostrils more than it should," Roy said, also watching Havoc.

"Frickin' moron," Ed mumbled.

"If that's how you're gonna be then the next story will be CinderEdla," Roy smirked.

"Hell yeah! Another love story of epic proportions between the young and handsome alchemist of the people and the sexy Colonel who always seemed the womanizer before his true self came through!" Hawkeye yelled, rather overenthusiastically.

"Lt. Hawkeye, I think you've been reading too many yaoi fanfics," Fuery whimpered.

"No, you've not been reading enough," Riza smirked at Fuery, who proceeded to curl up in the corner.

"I'm afraid," Al whimpered.

"We all are," Ed said.

"You know there is FueryxHavoc now, Sir," she grinned at Roy and then smirked slyly at Fuery, curled up crying in the corner, and Havoc, still passed out on the floor.

"Can we move away from the realms of yaoi, now?" Breda piped in, "I'd like to hear the story."

"Shut up, Breda! Now one cares what you say!" Riza shouted.

"He's right, Riza. She does have a point, Breda. But anyway, let's commence with the story of CinderEdla," Roy started, "So it all started long ago in a kingdom far away…"

"The United Kingdom?" Al questioned, enthusiastically.

"No. Shut up. Anyway it was a kingdom farther than. It was far far away…"

"Wow, that's far," Fuery piped in.

"Shut up and listen to the story!" Roy shouted, "Anyone who talks will feel my fiery wrath!"

"Yes, Sir," they all agreed.

"Now, let's start the story now…"

* * *

**Starring:**

Ed as CinderEdla

Al as Evil Stepsister Alison

Winry as Evil Stepsister Winry

Hoenhiem as the Father that dies at the beginning

Dante as the Evil Stepmother

Roy as Prince Mustang, again

Riza as the Fairy Godmother

* * *

"CinderEdla was a beautiful girl with long blonde hair and deep golden eyes who had once lived happily with her mother and father, Hoenheim, but then something I don't remember happened to the mother, maybe she died, I don't know, but either way she wasn't around and the father remarried and CinderEdla got two stepsisters called Alison and Winry.

Then one day the father Hoenheim died, he was probably killed by a homunculi, but that's not relevant, anyway after that the Evil Stepmother decided that CinderEdla should be the family's servant that lived in a tiny attack room, because she was the only one small enough to even fit in the room. Did I mention how short she was? Well say, you take someone of around average height. Got that? Ok, double that, divide by three, add one, take away an eighth of that, then divide that by a fifth of the original height, minus seven. Then you'll have a rough idea."

_____

Everyone in the office sat scribbling in notepads (even Havoc who eventually had had the duct tape removed).

"So one foot tall, Sir?" Fuery asked, sticking his hand in the air.

In the background Ed could be heard mumbling, "You jackass."

"Yes, that is how tall she is!" Roy exclaimed, "You win five minutes alone with Lt. Havoc."

"Sir, I don't understand," Fuery said.

Roy winked suggestively at Fuery.

"Sir, I'm not, uh. I don't love Lt. Havoc," Fuery whimpered.

"Spoilsport…" Riza growled.

"Brother, I'm afraid, again," Al cried quietly to Ed.

"Me too," Ed said, "I'm afraid the author may have lost all sense of reality and this could lead to some bad shit."

"How bad?"

"Really bad," Ed said, worriedly.

"Hey you two," Roy shouted to Ed and Al, "Yeah, shut up and listen. Anyway we all get the picture of how short she is. So on with the story…"

_____

"So anyway CinderEdla spent all her days cooking (inedible food) and cleaning (making a bigger mess by being destructive), but anyway she worked really hard and they were all very mean to her.

Until one day she heard of a ball that would be attended by the handsome Prince Mustang, who, like the Prince Mustang in an earlier fairytale, was tall, sexy, wonderful, talented, had beautiful deep black eyes and jet black hair that just oozed awesome."

_____

"Colonel, you're becoming Twilight again," Ed sighed.

"Ok, Edward… Cullen," Roy sniped, with a cruel grin.

"Oh, that was uncalled for," Ed took his red coat off and prepared to punch Roy.

"What are you gonna do? Throw glitter on me?" Roy mocked.

"Ooh, bitch you just got burned," Havoc laughed.

"Yeah, think that was funny, Havoc? Seems your ass needs kicked too!" Ed threatened, before turning his automail arm into a blade and flailing it around in the directions of Roy and Havoc.

"Brother, please just calm down. Let's just listen to the story," Al said, restraining Ed.

"Yeah, fine. But I shall have my revenge. And when that day comes, my revenge shall be slow, unpleasant and humiliating," Ed made a smirk that sent shivers down Roy and Havoc's spines.

"Anyway," Roy tried to shake off the horrible feeling Ed's look had given him, "Let's continue."

_____

"So, CinderEdla set her heart on attending the ball, but she only had the same dull black clothes and stupid red jacket. So alas she couldn't attend the ball. And also Dante was a bitch and told her she couldn't go, so there was that.

"You can't go because you are very ugly," Alison told CinderEdla.

"Al, why would you say that? I thought we cared about each other," CinderEdla whimpered.

"Brother.. I mean stepsister I warned you. Don't break character," Alison told him.

"Yeah, CinderEdla. Geez, you're unprofessional," Winry sighed, "That's another reason you can't go to the ball."

"Bitches," CinderEdla muttered as she stormed away.

Anyway the night of the ball came around and the two ugly stepsisters set off for the ball while poor little CinderEdla stayed and 'cleaned' the kitchen (smashed some plates and threw some silverware out the window).

But suddenly something magical happened (even though all magic events can be rationally explained by Sherlock Holmes *wink*). A beautiful fairy godmother, who looked like Riza with wings and a sparkly outift, appeared before CinderEdla.

"Hello, CinderEdla, I'm here to.. OH MY GOD! What did you do in here?!" she shrieked in shock when she saw the state of the room.

"Nothing," CinderEdla stood guiltily over the remnants of some plates.

"Though I doubt that highly, I am here to fulfil your biggest wish!" she announced.

"Your gonna make my arm and leg go back to being flesh and bone!" she announced excitedly, showing her automail arm and leg.

"Uh, no. I'm gonna help you go to the ball!" Riza the fairy godmother smiled.

"Aw," CinderEdla whimpered, looking like she was gonna cry.

"Well never mind that. I'm going to make you the belle of the ball! You shall have a wonderful dress and a beautiful carriage pulled by seven homunculi!" she shouted happily.

"A carriage drawn by seven homunculi? It's every girl's dream!" CinderEdla exclaimed joyously.

"Why of course and here is your dress!" she handed Cinderella a big, fluffy pink dress, with matching ribbon accessories and glass slippers.

"It's lovely!" CinderEdla cried with joy.

_____

"Colonel, you know that's nothing like me," Ed growled at Roy, "I would never wear a pink dress with matching ribbon accessories and why the hell would I want a carriage drawn by homunculi? They want to kill me."

"I'm not changing it now, so shut up Edward," Roy responded, "Now onwards with the story…"

_____

"Anyway, when the overjoyed CinderEdla had got changed into her dress she looked like a tool. I mean she looked wonderful. *laughs*

The fairy godmother shouted to her, "Oh yeah, there's a catch, the spell lasts until midnight then everything will turn back to normal!"

"Yeah, sure whatever," CinderEdla shouted back, paying no attention to the fairy godmother at all.

So CinderEdla took the carriage drawn by homunculi to the ball. She had a wonderful time dancing and then the handsome Prince Mustang spotted the beautiful young CinderEdla from across the dance floor.

As the time drew closer to midnight Prince Mustang finally approached CinderEdla to dance.

The last song of the night was "Small Town Girl" by Journey, just as they started to dance CinderEdla heard the reference to a small town girl and stormed out, taking this as an insult to her height.

Prince Mustang chased after her, but alas she had caught the carriage home and all that was left was a glass slipper.

The next day, Prince Mustang went searching for CinderEdla and he eventually arrived at her house.

The ugly stepsisters ran straight to greet him and to try on the glass slipper.

"You're aware that you're in a suit of armour and there's no way that this slipper can fit you?" Prince Mustang asked Alison.

"Damn," Alison growled.

"Me next!" Winry pushed in.

"Your feet are way too big, plus the lady I'm looking for is abnormally short. So it's not you," Prince Mustang sighed, "Alas it seems I shall never see her again. Woe is I!"

Suddenly the house filled with the sound of smashing plates and of silverware being thrown around.

"Damn, CinderEdla. She's so bloody destructive," Winry growled.

"May I meet her? It seems there is absolutely no-one else who this shoe could belong to," the Prince asked.

"Yeah whatever," Winry sighed, then shouted, "CINDEREDLA! Get your lazy, messy ass outta here!"

CinderEdla emerged from the kitchen with a scowl on her face.

"Prince Mustang wants you to try on this shoe and if it fits then you must be the person he danced with or some shit like that," Winry scowled back.

So Prince Mustang put the shoe on CinderEdla, but it didn't fit because he put it on the wrong foot. So Prince Mustang gave up and left.

The end."

"That was rather anticlimactic, Boss," Havoc sighed.

"Oh really, was it, Havoc?" Roy said, sarcastically, "I didn't want to venture into the 'realms of yaoi' again and risk Riza shooting me, if I get it wrong. Plus I don't really want the character based on me to kiss Ed, do you?"

"Well, Chief, it might've made for a better story," Havoc responded.

"It did suck a bit, Colonel," Ed sighed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Edward," Roy mocked, "Oh look I'm Edward Elric, I have an over inflated ego and think I'm better than I am. I'm always so angsty because everyone wants to kill me because I'm special but yet I'm an absolute hit with the fangirls. I have more fangirls than Mustang, blah blah blah! Bow before my excellency!" Roy said with a high pitched voice while doing ridiculous actions.

"You bastard," Ed scowled.

"You love me really!" Roy announced dramatically.

"No, I don't," Ed stated, emotionless.

"Yes, you do!" Riza said threateningly.

"Riza, I've had enough of this yaoi shit. I quit."

"Quit? You can't quit, you're the military's dog," Roy ordered.

"Shut up, Colonel. I don't just quit the military I quit this anime/manga," Ed said storming towards the door.

"Quick Al! Stop him! He's ruining the illusion!" Roy ordered.

With that Al grabbed Ed and stopped him getting out the door.

"Havoc, lock the door and get rid of the key!" Roy commanded.

"Yes, Chief," Havoc said, flicking the key and the lock bolted shut, then swallowed the key.

"What did you just do?" Roy said, watching Havoc with a stunned awe.

"I got rid of the key like you said," Havoc smiled.

"I didn't say eat it, you moron! How do we get out when I get bored vandalising fairytales!?" Roy shouted furiously.

"I dunno," Havoc shrugged, withdrawing another cigarette from his pocket.

"You know what this calls for?" Riza grinned.

"If she says 'yaoi' I will jump out the window," Breda stated.

"No. Karaoke," she smirked.

"Fair enough," they all agreed.

"Ooh! Me first!" Roy shouted, taking a conveniently placed karaoke machine out of the cupboard.

The tune of _Don't Stop Believing_ by Journey started to fill the room.

"Just a small town girl," Roy started.

"Living in a lonely world~," Havoc joined him.

"She took the midnight train going anywhere~!" Fuery finished.

As the music played, Ed whispered to Al, "See the bad shit I warned you about? This is it."

"Just a city boy!" Ed jumped to his feet enthusiastically then whispered to Al, "You gotta embrace the chaos. I just couldn't help it, it's so damn catchy."

"Born and raised in South Detroit!" Breda piped in.

"He took the midnight train going anywhere~!" Riza sang along.

Cuts to chorus.

"Strangers, waiting," they all sang together, "Walking down the boulevard. Shadows. Searching in the ni~ight!"

"Streetlights. People." was sang with what appeared to be an attempt at dancing by Roy, Ed and Havoc.

And so on.

The music continued long into the day.

"Pokerface next!" Riza shouted.

"No! Love Game!" Fuery shouted back.

"Guilty Beauty Love!" Ed yelled.

"Shut up, Ed."

* * *

Ok, this chapter really descended into chaos and nonsense at the end. Partly because it was slightly rushed and partly because I just wanted to write a bit of nonsense after going back to school and having to go over my serious short stories and critical essays and all that crap, so I just wanted to some crazy stuff.

Also I do not own FMA or _Don't Stop Believing_ by Journey. My friend suggested that song and I went along with it so thanks to Beth!

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, the use of swearing has become very frequent, especially by Ed, actually I think it's only Ed who swears in it, and also for the Twilight references.

But that's just my opinion.

Please review! All reviews are appreciated. I don't think this chapter is as good as the others. The next one should be Al and The Bean Shrimp, but again it depends; I have about five other fics I want to work on and also a solo talk and two essays.

Anyway, thanks for reading and thakns in advance for any reviews.

Bye~!

Amy.


	5. RapunzEd

Hey everyone!

Sorry for the **big** delay between chapters; a combination of way to much homework and schoolwork, not being happy with chapters and my computer contracting an annoying virus that is constantly restarting it and stopping me from uploading files (though I have found a way to now).

Also I'm probably still not 100% happy with it just because.

Anyway please enjoy it. Also if there is a number at the end of a sentence it contains a reference that will be explained later.

Please enjoy!

* * *

Between the last chapter and this one, the group's karaoke session had descended into chaos culminating in a brawl between Ed and Roy about which song should be next (Roy fighting for "_Let It Rock_" [because when Roy arrives he brings the fire] and Ed fighting for "Coz _I'm A Blonde_"). The rest of the office quickly followed suit and began fighting too until someone shouted over the rest…

"I'm gonna jump," Fuery threatened as he stood at the window ledge.

"Don't do it, Fuery!" Roy shouted as they all abruptly stopped fighting, "Think of all the paperwork I'll have to do!"

"Yeah, don't do it!" Ed piped in, "Hang yourself instead, because then the little food we have will last longer and then we can cook and eat you."

"Brother, that's mean," Al whimpered at Ed.

"Al, this doesn't affect you because you don't eat, but you must know. I am hungry. Very hungry. So hungry that I've ate all food and anything that could be remotely considered food that was in this office," Ed stated.

"What did you say?" Breda asked Ed, with a serious glare.

"Nothing," Ed denied.

"You little…" Roy growled.

"What are we going to eat?" Havoc interrupted.

"I'm gonna do it," Fuery pitched in again still standing perilously at the window's edge..

"Wait, Fuery! Roy and Ed were right. If we eat you there will be no paperwork and also we can live longer," Riza explained, "So please don't jump."

Fuery whimpered back in response.

"We've only been locked in ten minutes, I'm sure someone can get us out. They're bound to notice we haven't left the room and that Sgt Fuery is threatening to jump from a window," Falman said calmly.

"Falman, no one asked you," Roy replied bluntly.

"Wait, Ed ate all the food, this stems from him. I say we eat him first," Breda smirked.

"I see your point," Roy nodded in agreement, then announced with one arm pointing in the air, "We eat Ed first!"

"But wait, it doesn't all stem from me. Havoc ate the key and he's much bigger than me," Ed said, backing away from Roy and Breda who both looked worrying hungry and seemed to be approaching him, "He'll last us much longer."

They all turned to Havoc.

"Actually," Havoc said defensively, "It was the Colonel who told me to lock the door and get rid of the key. He gave misleading instructions. We should eat Roy instead. He's the real cause."

Everyone, except Fuery and Al who stood frozen in fear of the situation arising, spun and looked at Roy with hungry eyes.

"I suppose it does," Breda said.

"Whoo! Let's eat the Colonel!" Ed shouted rather overenthusiastically.

"Fair enough," the other's muttered in agreement.

"You can't eat me. I'm your leader. Bow before me and my plan for miniskirts and an army of loyal, obedient, paperwork-signing dogs!" Roy exclaimed stumbling away from the others.

"I'm serious, I'll jump," Fuery threatened again.

"Shut up, Fuery. Or I will come over there and push you!" Roy threatened in response, which led to Fuery quickly evacuating the window ledge.

"What if I tell you all a story and you don't eat me, if it's a good one?" Roy bargained as he backed yet further into a corner.

Their hungry eyes disappeared and they agreed unanimously.

Roy sat back at his desk, "The next story will be RapunzEd."

"You son-of-a…"

Smack.

"Don't insult your Colonel or his wonderful love stories," Riza glared threateningly having delivered the smack to the back of Ed's head.

"I fear yaoi fangirl mode may be resurfacing," Breda grunted.

"Nevermind, anyway, the next story is RapunzEd," Roy began, "And it all began long ago…"

**

* * *

**

**Starring:**

Ed as Rapunzel

Roy as the Prince

Winry as the Witch

Havoc as Havoc the Horse

* * *

**"**Once upon a time their was a young maiden named RapunzEd. She lived in a tower, that had no doors of stairs but only a single window, in the middle of a clearing in a middle of a forest. She had lived there much of her life and was kept there by a witch.

RapunzEd was a beautiful girl with big, glistening gold eyes and had long blonde hair which she wore in a long braid. Her hair was so long that it was longer than she was tall, which wasn't hard because she's really small, so to put in in perspective it could easily reach from the room of RapunzEd's one hundred foot high tower to the ground.

Everyday the witch visited RapunzEd with food and other stuff. Actually she visited several times a day because RapunzEd eats a **lot**.

The witch would always approach the tower and shout, "RapunzEd, RapunzEd, let down your hair!"

This was the signal for RapunzEd to drop her long braid from the window and let the witch climb it up to the room.

"Geez, you eat a lot," Winry the Witch complained as she dumped yet another basket of food onto the floor for RapunzEd.

"Yeah, well... Screw you," RapunzEd mumbled before proceeding to eat every last thing in the basket.

**Well except one thing.**

RapunzEd scowled at the remaining item in the basket.

"Drink it," Winry the Witch threatened.

"No way, that stuff tastes like vomit," RapunzEd was switching from glowering at the item and scowling the Witch.

The last thing it the basket was a bottle of milk.

"Drink your milk," Winry the Witch growled.

"I'm not drinking it," RapunzEd growled back.

"It'll make you tall, Shrimp," Winry the Witch smirked.

"For once height doesn't matter and I will not attack you for making a height comment…"

**

* * *

**

"Guys, I have to interrupt this myself," Roy said while telling the story.

"Why?" Havoc asked.

"Because that was too out of character. Usually Ed would've beaten someone to a pulp for making a comment like that, but when it comes to milk I have decided that he'd put his hatred of height comments behind his hatred of milk," Roy explained calmly and seriously.

"You could just ask me what I think," Ed mumbled in response.

"Hey Ed," Roy smirked.

"What?"

"Think fast," Roy threw a cup of milk over Ed and then started laughing, Breda and Havoc also began to laugh hysterically at him.

"It's everywhere.." Ed twitched and shook, "Everywhere."

"Ha! I've always wanted to do that!" Roy laughed.

"Brother, are you okay?" Al asked concerned as Ed dropped to the ground.

"Al," Ed began, "Everywhere. The demon drink is all over me."

"It's just milk," Al stated.

"No. It's evil. It's plotting my demise and now it's free from it's invisible prison," Ed pointed at the glass, "It's everywhere."

"Sir, that was uncalled for," Riza scolded Roy, "Even if it was moderately funny."

"You love me really," Roy smirked with a stupid pose.

"No. I don't," Riza stated.

"Twenty bucks, Falman," Breda muttered in the background.

"Then who do you love or like?" Roy asked pressingly.

Riza walked to the window and pointed at a random person in a group of passing soldiers.

"Him."

"Well, what's his name?" Roy asked.

"Soldier A." (1)

"Soldier A? That's not a real name," Roy mocked.

"Yes it is. And over there is Fanboy 1 and that's Sex Offender 3," Riza said pointing out two other people. (2)

"Ed, I'm worried again," Al whimpered.

Ed was now rolling around the floor whispering at no one in particular, "It's everywhere. The milk. It's evil. Can't you see its evil aura and deadly beams?"

"Since I seem to have scarred Ed again, should we continue the story?" Roy laughed before being serious. Well as serious as he could be considering Ed was still rolling around the floor - drenched in milk.

"Yeah, go on."

"So anyway back to the story…

**

* * *

**

After the witch left RapunzEd was left all alone so played Pokemon Platinum for a while, before playing Zelda: Spirit Tracks. After playing these for a while he grew bored and started singing. (3)

Badly.

The noise was so terrible that a passing prince stopped.

That prince was Prince Mustang (he gets around). And seeing as we all know what Prince Mustang is like we'll not go into too much detail, but in case anyone forgot the basics are that he is handsome, charming and sexy. **OK?**

So anyway he was on horseback on his white steed named Havoc.

He stopped the horse and jumped off.

"Will you shut up!?" he shouted to the tower, but got no reply.

"Shut up!!" he repeated as the horrible screech-singing continued.

"That's it I'm coming up there!"

He looked around for a door or stairs, but there was nothing. He decided to camp out outside the tower, far enough away so that he would not be noticed, but could observe the tower to see what happened. (4)

After staying a few days he realised the way the witch got in and that RapunzEd sang a lot and sounded like someone strangling a cat. So he decided to put a stop to it.

One evening after the witch left for the fifth time that day, Prince Mustang walked up to the tower and shouted, "RapunzEd, RapunzEd, let down your hair!"

With that RapunzEd dropped her long braid from the window and Prince Mustang climbed up it into the tower.

Just as he went to shout at her to stop singing Prince Mustang saw how beautiful, sorta, RapunzEd was and RapunzEd say how wonderul the prince was it was love at first sight. Say 'Aw~' everyone.

But to continue, every evening after the witch left for the final time Prince Mustang would visit and the two plotted to run away together.

The day before they were going to leave Winry the Witch came back again and overheard their plans. She was furious so after the Prince had left she went back to the tower and cut off RapunzEd's long golden braid.

The next day Prince Mustang visited early so they could run away, but he was unaware the witch was in the tower.

So he casually walked to the tower as usual and called, "RapunzEd! RapunzEd! Let down your hair!"

Winry the Witch lowered RapunzEd's chopped off braid and Prince Mustang climbed it. However just as he was about to reach the top Winry the Witch leaned from the window and smirked cruelly at Prince Mustang before dropping the braid. Prince Mustang dropped to the ground, but luckily he landed unharmed."

**

* * *

**

"Sir, I'm pretty sure that's not how the story went," Havoc complained.

"Then since you're such an expert on fairytales, you tell me how it went, Havoc," Roy muttered at him angrily.

"Well, he falls into a bush of thorns that blind him," Havoc stated.

"So you want me to go blind?" (5)

"No, I never said that, it's just how the story goes, Sir," Havoc answered.

"Whatever," Roy dismissed Havoc's previous answer, "Plus you know there's my whole fear of…" Roy coughed before muttering, "Plants." (6)

"What was that?" Ed suddenly perked up , despite having still been lying on the ground covered in milk during the previous part of the story.

"Nothing," Roy lied.

"Did you see fear of plants?" Ed grinned inanely.

"No."

"You liar. You did," Ed began laughing hysterically.

"I have an excuse," Roy began, "When I was a little kid I fell into a patch of daisies except it turned out that there were nettles below them and ever since I have been afraid of plants."

Roy's reason simply made Ed laugh more.

"Done yet?" Roy asked Ed as he began to calm down, but as soon as Ed looked at Roy he started to laugh again.

This continued for about ten minutes before Ed finally calmed enough to allow Roy to talk.

"Then I'll continue the story."

Ed laughed uncontrollably again, "I'm sorry."

"You're a terrible person."

"I'm sorry," Ed continued to laugh.

"Anyway, I'll do the story Havoc's way," Roy mumbled with a pout.

"Sir, you don't have to. I was just saying that's what happened," Havoc said apologetically.

But he was ignored and Roy's response was once again, "Whatever."

Ed began to roar with laughter yet again.

Roy continued the story on anyway.

**

* * *

**

"So Prince Mustang actually fell into a thorn bush and was blinded - are you happy now, Havoc?

Prince Mustang then went on to wonder aimlessly through the forest guided only by his so-called trusty steed Havoc the Horse. Only it turned out the Havoc horse was actually very nasty and uncaring and mean and didn't care about Prince Mustang or his feelings.

After wondering for many days alone, after the Havoc horse suffered a not-so-tragic, but none-the-less horrific death, Prince Mustang heard a familiar sound. It was the horrible strangled cat singing he could remember from when he first met RapunzEd.

It turned out RapunzEd had been banished from the tower by Winry the Witch and was, like Prince Mustang, lost in the forest wondering around.

Prince Mustang ran towards the terrible noise and RapunzEd saw him stumbling around and it was all very sad and happy at the same time - so say "Aw~" again everyone.

And then something magical happened (we'll get Sherlock Holmes to explain it later) RapunzEd's tears brought back Prince Mustang's vision and he was fine again. (7)

And so everyone lived happily ever after. Even Winry the Witch who, without RapunzEd eating so much, bought into a company just before it went big and she became a millionaire. Well actually except the Havoc horse who's corpse was left somewhere in the forest to be picked clean by the birds.

The End

**

* * *

**

"I can't say I loved it," Breda sighed.

"Why are you all always so critical?!" Roy shouted in response to Breda.

"Well I thought it was a wonderful story," a familiar voice came from the corner of the room.

They all turned to see Hughes standing in the corner.

"Hu.. Hughes?" Roy asked, "When did you get here? How did you get here?"

"I got a ladder and climbed through the window because I wanted to see what you guys were doing," Hughes stated it like it was a completely normal thing to do.

"Anyone else freaked out here?" Ed asked.

They all ignored him and instead Riza exclaimed, "Then we can escape! We can use the ladder and get down!"

She ran to the open window and looked for the ladder. Gone.

"Where is it?" she turned to Hughes desperately.

"Well," Hughes began to stutter slightly, "Well, it may or may not - and this is just a theory here- may or may not have fell over when I got in and now it's kinda or kinda not leading up to the window because it fell over. Maybe."

The others all glared at Hughes angrily.

"It was an accident," Hughes whimpered, backing into the corner.

"You know Colonel," Ed grinned cruelly, "With Hughes here food will run out a lot faster."

"You know what, Edward? You're right," Roy also grinned cruelly, "I vote we eat Hughes first."

"Wait, wha?!?!" Hughes shrieked.

**To be continued... (dun dun du~n!)**

**

* * *

**

**Notes:**

(1) Soldier A - I frickin' love that song. It's sang by Vic Mignogna (Ed's VA) and is awesomeness!

(2) Part of Soldier A.

(3) So apparently DS', Pokemon and Zelda exist in Fairytale land and in Amestris (I was very, very hyper when I wrote some of it).

(4) STALKER!?!?

(5) I could hardly bring myself to write the proper version of the fairytale because of what happens to Roy in the manga (I'll say no more, but anyone who has read chapter 102 will know or anyone who has found out any way) and I was so sad about it (first time I found out I was depressed for days along with my friend. :( *sniffle*

(6) Ok so fear of plants... This is based on my friend, Kim, who told me in maths about her fear of plants ( if you're reading this, thanks for letting me use it, Kim!) and I couldn't stop laughing for almost twenty minutes - which was the rest of the maths class. A lot of the dialogue between Ed and Roy is based on our actual conversation (Roy is Kim and I am Ed) starting from Roy telling Ed why he's afraid and that is her reason for being afraid. And I know I'm a terrible person, but I just couldn't stop laughing. I did virtually no work since finding that out because the rest of that class was spent laughing everytime I even looked at her or she spoke (I'm so sorry! It was too funny, Kim!). Also a fear of plants could explain why Roy uses fire - fire beats plants (well in Pokemon XD).

(7) Sherlock Holmes reference because I frickin' love Sherlock Holmes (my favourite movie ever! - that sentence doesn't really make sense, but meh, you know what I mean).

So anyway please leave a review and if you think I could improve it or change it or if I've got something wrong please tell me!! It's the only way to make them better!!

Thanks to everyone who reviews and everyone who reads it, I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them (especially whilst high on candy floss and chocolate!).

So thanks everyone who's reviewed this so far and I hope the stories continue to amuse you!

Bye~!  
Amy.


	6. Alphonse & The Bean Shrimp

**Warning: Beware the dreaded the dreaded spoilers! Maybe. I dunno. And bad language. Also I don't own FMA. If I did, some pairings would be more than just 'implied'. ***evil smirk*

**Also before it starts, I want to apologise to everyone who's been waiting on this, it's been a while since I updated due to stuff and also big thanks to everyone who added this story to their favourites and subscribed to it on story alert, it all cheered me up at a really tough time, so thank you. It gave me the motivation to work more on this to finally finish it and upload it. And I do feel like this chapter is a touch thrown together, but it's better than nothing. Oh and thank you to everyone who has reviewed, because reviews are like sweet candy. X3**

**Thanks for taking the time to read this. Now enjoy the story... X3**

And now continuing from where the last chapter left off…

"You can't eat me!" Hughes wailed, backing back towards the corner he had came from, "I'm Maes Hughes and I cannot die!"

"Shut up, Hughes, you'll be first to go if the situation gets serious," Roy growled with narrowed eyes. (I'm so sorry Hughes. *cries*)

"Whatever happened to a calming day of being told fairytales with quaint little twists and moderate changes and-" Al began with a saddened and disappointed tone.

"Al, did you really expect that from a…" Ed glares at reader, "Fanfic?"

"Don't break the fourth wall, moron," Roy shouted accusingly at Ed.

"Fine I won't break the fourth wall even if it is fun, but seriously Al. Did you expect that from the Colonel?"

"No, I knew you'd be the girl," Al said in response before mumbling, "He certainly looks like one."

"What did you say?" Ed growled.

"I said 'My big Brother is a tall and wonderful person and is in no way the 'S' word'," Al answered.

With that Ed grinned stupidly and started happily muttering, "I'm not short. Not insane either. Not short. I'm so tall. Whee~!"

"It has a calming effect on him," Al explained to the others, who all looked slightly confused at the happy mumbling Ed.

"Anyway.." Roy began before getting distracted by Ed who was on an endless loop of his "I'm not short. Not insane either…", "Can you make him stop?"

"Yeah, you just say 'shrimp' to him," Al said, "But beware he may…"

"SHRIMP!!" Roy yelled in Ed's face, however Ed instinctively threw a punch straight in front of him (with his right arm), smacking Roy in the centre of the face with a 'THUMP'.

"Why you little!?!" Roy shouted furiously as he reached for the gloves in his pocket.

"Did you say 'little'?!" Ed shouted back throwing a second punch at Roy who was fighting back.

"Both of you shut up!!" a voice ordered.

Riza stood with a gun in each hand, one pointing at Ed and one pointing at Roy.

"Aw shit. She's armed," Ed grumbled.

"She's **always** armed," Roy answered.

"I want quiet and a story," she glowered threateningly at Roy, "And it had better be uber cute."

"What?"

"You heard me. I want a fairytale and make it adorable," she growled.

"Well, then the main character can't be Ed," Roy stated.

"You bastard."

"Ooh burn!" - Havoc.

"So the main character will be Alphonse," Roy smiled.

"Aw thanks, Colonel," Al said, flattered by being the main 'cute' character.

"Your welcome," Roy smiled again, "Who says a tin can can't be cute?"

Al's spirit deflated again.

"Ooh accidental burn!" - Havoc again.

"Actually," Ed piped in with an evil smirk, "I want to tell a story."

"Shut up, Ed," Roy muttered.

"No, for my story is a terrifying tale of one Colonel's petrifying experience…"

Gulp.

"In a florist!" Ed laughed hysterically and was soon joined in laughing by Havoc and Breda.

"Yeah well, I got a story for you, Fullmetal," Roy retorted to Ed, "It's the story of the Tiny Alchemist and the dairy farm," Roy laughed as did Havoc and Breda again.

Ed and Roy exchanged angry glances and each looked like at any moment they would attack the other.

"Where's my uber cute story?" Riza interrupted with a growl.

"So the story is _Alphonse and the Bean Shrimp_," Roy said cheerfully recovering in order to avoid Riza's wrath, "And it all started with a young suit of armour called Alphonse…"

___

"Alphonse was a young suit of armour. Well, more specifically, a soul attached to a suit of armour, but even though he was a suit of armour and could not eat, drink or feel pain, though he could still feel emotions, he was the loveliest and kindest person ever.

But poor Alphonse and his mother were gravely poor and had no money left. The only thing they had left was a cow called Paul, but times were hard and it came to the point where they could no longer keep Paul.

So one morning Alphonse walked with Paul to market and met a man on the way called Greed, who appeared to be even worse off than Alphonse and his mother.

"I'll give you these magic beans for that cow," Greed smiled.

"I'm sorry, but I can't give you the cow for some beans, magic or not," Alphonse replied apologetically.

"But I want that cow!" he cried bursting into (fake) tears.

Alphonse being the kind and generous person/suit-of-armour he was, gave the man the cow for the beans for he hated seeing people sad.

"Ha ha! Loser!" Greed laughed as he ran off with the cow, "You got conned!"

Alphonse looked sadly at the beans in his gloved hand and sighed deeply.

"Oh well," he said cheerfully, "I could always plant these and grow a giant beanstalk into the sky and raid a giant's castle and get a golden goose that will make me and my mother rich."

___

"Roy, don't wreck the plot! You've given away a lot of the rest of the story," Hughes wailed.

"Hughes, if you don't listen I won't tell the story," Roy scolded Hughes like he was a schoolchild.

"I'm sorry," Hughes pouted.

"Well then, I'll continue."

___

"So anyway Alphonse gaily - lol, gaily - skipped home after his encounter with Greed and happily planted the beans in the ground before going in the house.

"I hope it grows kitties," he sighed hopefully before smirking, "Because then I could grow a mega kitty army and would be able to take over the world!! Bwah ha ha ha!"

"But kitty armies require time to grow so I think I'll go sleep or shut down or whatever it is that I do."

So Alphonse went and fell asleep or whatever."

___

"So Alphonse, do you sleep or shut down or something?" Riza asked curiously.

"Well I just close off from the outside world and listen to music," Al stated simply.

"Music?" Ed asked.

"Yeah, this thing picks up radio signals," Al said happily pointing to the spike on his head with the long fluffy thing.

"How's that even possible?" Ed quizzed.

"Shut up and don't question the fangirls, Brother. Or they will tear you limb from limb," Al warned. ("And treasure the pieces, always.")

"Yeah, so shut up," Roy interrupted with a scowl and glare, "So anyway, the next morning…"

___

"Al got up and ran excitedly to the window and in the garden was…

A fully clothed Edward Elric or, as they are scientifically known, the Bean Shrimp due to their miniscule size.

His feet were still planted into the ground and he was angrily thrashing about trying to get free.

Alphonse ran outside and picked the Bean Shrimp out of the ground.

This was met by an angry glare from the Bean Shrimp - we'll call him 'Ed' from now on - as he was held up by Alphonse.

"PUT ME DOWN!! YOU'RE MAKING ME LOOK SMALL!!" Ed shrieked furiously and he was quickly dropped by Alphonse in shock.

"I was trying to be nice," Alphonse whimpered as he stepped away from Ed.

"Well, I didn't need any help," Ed growled.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You must've grown from the beans I planted yesterday. It looks like I'll never get me and my mother out of debt," Alphonse sighed sadly.

"Look, I suppose as a reward for planting the beans I could help you get some money. Besides I have an old score to settle with a giant," Ed smirked evilly.

"But you were only grown overnight," Alphonse stated confused.

"Yeah, but I got in a fight that guy during that time. I am very hot-headed and angry person. I have deep issues with my height and am often violent with no particular reason," Ed explained calmly.

"Oh well. Then I guess in that case it's reasonable," Alphonse conceded.

"Exactly," Ed grinned and then added, "So whose ass am I kicking?"

"The giant that lives in the clouds. He has a goose that lays golden eggs, so that could help me out of debt," Alphonse said cheerfully.

"The clouds, ay?" Ed asked, "Well there's only one way to get there."

"A beanstalk?"

"No."

"A plane?"

"No."

"A…"

"Shut up and I'll tell you," Ed interrupted him, "A ladder of homunculi."

"I was just about to say that," Alphonse pouted.

"Well, fortunately I have some homunculi to come help me," Ed smiled before demanding, "Bitches!!"

With that Envy, Lust, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath and Pride showed up.

"Pipsqueak?" Envy muttered, "What d'you want? I was trying to sleep. You do realise I will have to 'hug' you now."

"I want help and if you come within two metres of me I'm calling the police, Pervert," Ed addressed Envy.

"Yeah, what're they gonna do?" Envy smirked with a laugh.

"So what do you need?" Pride asked.

"I need you all to stand on each other's shoulders to allow me and Alphonse to climb to the giant's home in the clouds," Ed ordered.

"Is he on drugs?" Wrath asked.

"Possibly," Ed answered him himself.

"But can you please help us?" Alphonse whimpered.

"I suppose so," they all agreed.

"That was easy," Ed smiled to Al.

"On one condition," Envy smirked.

"Aw shit…"

"Ed has to dress up like a shrimp and advertise a dairy shop," Envy grinned.

"What do shrimps and dairy have in common?" Alphonse asked, confused, but then fully understood when he turned to see Ed fuming with a bright red face of fury.

"So do we have a deal?"

"Please," Alphonse begged.

Ed twitched furiously before finally saying, "I… a…gree."

Plop. He flopped onto the ground.

"Let's poke him with a stick!" Envy shouted happily, "A very sharp stick, maybe a sword."

"No time," Lust piped in.

"Not even for 'hugs'?" Envy asked, deviously approaching Ed.

Ed bolted upright, "Get away, Pervert."

"Can't spell 'RapunzEd' without 'raped'," Envy sang.

"Wrong story, moron," Ed mumbled.

"Anyway," Alphonse interrupted, "Can we climb up to the clouds yet?"

"Yeah sure, anything to prevent more EdxEnvy rape jokes," Ed said as the homunculi formed a ladder.

"It's not that tall," Alphonse sighed, as he looked up at the homunculi ladder, "I don't think it'll reach a cloud kingdom."

"You'd be surprised. Clouds are closer than the ground due to… uh," Ed thought hard for an answer, "Climate change."

"Huh?"

"Don't question the author, Al," Ed said as he began to climb the ladder.

"Ok," Alphonse cheerfully chirped.

And so they climbed up the ladder and after a whole ten minute climb, considering Ed fell off… twice.

But when they arrived in the cloud kingdom there was a massive mansion which was owned by the giant Mustang.

Now the Mustang giant was a kind and friendly giant and was also charming and sexy. Much like the Prince Mustang's, but taller and bigger. A **lot** taller. And a hell of a lot taller than Ed.

So after climbing up the ladder of Homunculi and making it to the cloud kingdom, Al the Armour and Ed approached the large, over-towering castle that watched with contempt over the rest of the kingdom.

They snuck in and found the huge Mustang giant asleep at his kitchen table.

"There it is!" Alphonse whispered ecstatically as he spotted the golden goose.

Alphonse and Ed ran and picked up the goose.

"And what do you think you're doing?!" the voice of giant Mustang boomed, as he leant over and grasped the two intruders with ease.

"My mother and I are very poor and have almost no food and lots of debts!!" Al cried desperately.

"Oh, well in that case, you can have all the money you like," giant Mustang smiled, (because he's a nice guy that way), "Anything for someone in need."

And so giant Mustang kindly gave Alphonse enough money to pay off his debt and start his own kitty army. Ed ended up being a guy who professionally fought people in bars due to his anger management issues and Greed and the cow now travel around the world in a circus. Why? Don't ask me, I have no idea.

The end.

___

"So what did everyone think?" Roy asked with a grin.

Havoc and Breda opened their mouths to talk.

"If it's a bitchy comment or an "I didn't like it" or "it was anticlimactic" from either of you two, I will fry you like burgers and Ed will eat your corpse," Roy interrupted with a threat which was enough to stop both Breda and Havoc saying a word as Ed did look worrying hungry.

"Anyone have anything nice to say?" Roy asked, he looked to Riza, "What about you, Hawkeye?"

Silence.

"Is she ok? She hasn't spoken in a while," Al asked as the whole room glared at Riza, who appeared to be staring blankly at the wall.

"Lt. Hawkeye?" Fuery whimpered as he approached her carefully and the others watched with baited breath.

Riza spun around to face them and smacked Fuery in the jaw with her arm who was sent skidding across the room.

"I can't believe I've been so stupid!?!" she exclaimed, "Oh, uh sorry, Fuery."

"Why me?" Fuery whimpered as he clutched his aching jaw and was ignored by everyone else.

"What?" Roy asked Riza.

"There's a vent up there that is totally innocent and not for the Fuhrer, who is totally not a baddie, to spy on everyone's conversations!" she exclaimed again.

"And?" Roy asked bluntly, as he and everyone else remained unaware of what Riza was trying to say.

"It's just big enough for someone to fit through!"

"Aw shit, I see where this is going," Ed muttered to himself and backed away from the group.

"Edward can get out and get help!!"

"I knew it."

"She's right!!" Havoc agreed happily, "No normal sized person could fit, but a pipsqueak like Ed could squeeze through!"

"You bastard, Havoc," Ed growled.

"Edward look," Roy began in a caring, almost fatherly, voice, "Every now and then you have to do something nice for others."

"I do do nice things for others," Ed stated back, "Usually people who don't piss me off and who I don't hate."

"But that leaves practically no one, so can you do something nice, for us?" Roy asked with seeming genuine niceness.

"Well, I suppose there's no other way and me and Al should get going anyway," Ed mulled over his decision in his mind, "Fine, I'll do it, but I'm only doing it so me and Al can leave, personally the rest of you guys can rot."

"Good enough for me!" Roy exclaimed, his niceness fading, "Havoc, Falman, chuck him in the vent!" Roy ordered.

"Wha-?" Ed didn't even time to finish his sentence as he was soon manhandled and shoved into the vent before he knew what hit him.

"Wait! It's dark and cramped in here! I change my mind!!" Ed shrieked back at them as they slammed the vent cover shut.

"It's to late now, Fullmetal," Ed could practically hear Roy's smirk as he said this.

So Ed, knowing no one would help him out began to crawl blindly around the maze of tunnels.

"How do we know if he even gets out there alive? I'm sure vent systems are probably extremely dangerous to go exploring with no prior knowledge," Fuery said concernedly.

"To be honest Fuery, I never really expected him to find his way out, but instead to cause to much commotion that someone would hear him through the vent system and come to our rescue," Roy stated uncaring.

"But what about Ed?" Al asked.

"We'll do a memorial service when we get out," Roy said, patting Al on the shoulder, "I'm sorry for your loss."

"But he's not dead," Al stated worried.

"Not yet, but you're forgetting Alphonse about the vicious rats, deadly spiders and venomous snakes that are highly likely to inhabit those vents. He may not be dead _now_, but they'll soon get him," Roy explained.

Al and Fuery whimpered.

___

Hey,

Thanks for reading. Is it just me or is this fic getting increasingly cracky?

Also in the gap between this chapter and the last one, which was, admitedly, quite long, I've become Hetalia obsessed. X3 So I've been trying to write Hetalia stuff and this is less likely to be updated frequently, unless you guys all want it done more.

Please review, tell me what worked, what didn't, any typos (because I'm uploading this at like 3 in the morning my mind is kinda hazy and I don't notice much in this state) and what you think of the story so far.

Thanks again for everyone who's subscribed to, favourited or reviewed this story, it's helped motivate me so much.

Bye~!

Amy.


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